Ten days ago, I posted part one of an article from Cosmopolitan magazine on subtle yet apparently effective ways to can change your significant other.
If you haven't read it, don't worry because you only would have gotten irritable at how flat out idiotic the article was.
Y'know, instead of I dunno, doing the responsible thing and leaving a man that's clearly not suited for you (and vice versa). Things would head to break up city before you knew it.
But hold the phone just a moment! This is Cosmo we're dealing with here, and you don't have to read a magazine to know the number one rule of Cosmo.
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If you haven't read it, don't worry because you only would have gotten irritable at how flat out idiotic the article was.
Y'know, instead of I dunno, doing the responsible thing and leaving a man that's clearly not suited for you (and vice versa). Things would head to break up city before you knew it.
But hold the phone just a moment! This is Cosmo we're dealing with here, and you don't have to read a magazine to know the number one rule of Cosmo.
"IF YOU'RE SINGLE
YOU'RE A TERRIBLE WOMAN"
That seems to be the given message anyway, seeing as every single article is about what to do with your man, in all aspects of life, or how to get a new man. Although alternatively there's how to get back at your ex, but let's not go down that road for now, it's taken me long enough to get angry at this point.
Like I said, if you've not read the previous blog, worry not here are the five things they have tried to change their man of, thus far.
10: He has a crappy hair do
9: He burps and farts in front of you (In a relationship??? The audacity!)
8: He dresses like a hobo
7: He's glued to the TV on game day
6: He leaves his dishes in the sink..
So, two of the five points are dedicated solely to changing the appearance of your man, which begs the question on why you got with him in the first place if it's that much of an issue?
The question is though, do these points get better, or worst from this point onwards? Only one way to find out I suppose....
Changing man: Phase six
I'm in a good mood today, so I'm not going to overreact to this one. In fact, this is a pretty common complaint just handled in an immature, shitty way. Well... The dad bit at least, why in gods name would a woman even think of her dad whilst getting intimate with her man?
Just flat out say "Yeaaaah, your beard hurts a fair bit during sex". And he'd either shave it, or just be a bit more careful, I dunno, some men look weird without their beard which I'm sure will probably spark another complaint.
Actually, this has given me a side rant.
Movember/No shave November.
For those unaware Movember is a charity awareness campaign where men grow moustaches in awareness for prostate cancer.
It's a fun yet good cause, and last year I'm pretty sure that over a million pounds was made, men had done good.
But now, women have decided to launch up..... "Fanuary".
Now, you may be thinking this is some sort of female alternative to this for a female form of cancer, right? I mean that's easily a noble thing to do.
No.
The point of 'Fanuary' is for women to not shave their public region for the sole intention of getting back at their boyfriends for growing a 'silly tash'.
Oh god.
Oh dear god.
The stupidity and pettiness of whoever thought of this idea, yet alone the participating women is astounding. The fact that somebody needed to plan a month of revenge for their boyfriend essentially donating to charity is stupid enough, but it's even more irritating thinking of the actual thought process of this.
"My boyfriend looks stupid, and on top of this is giving away money! I KNOW! I'll refuse to shave my pubes, should I give it to some sort of vaginal cancer charity so it's not a complete waste of my I.Q? Nah just for that sweet revenge will do me!".
Seriously if you think this is a good idea, then you're stupid. And if you do it, at least make a charity out of it, you can go from petty bitch to good hearted person by making one simple group.
There's not an awful lot more I can say on such a matter because a friends Facebook status said it all for me, I'll just repost that.
Oh shit? I've completely missed the point of this Cosmo business, I can't even think of a decent counter method to this.
Tell you what, let's just hijack this beard burn business with a Fanuary counter point.
Changing man: Phase Seven
Fucking hell, it's almost as if the author realised the first half of her article was bitchy and passive.
I can have no complaints with this entry, other than the cliche that men forget every important date in a calender. I don't, other men might!
Either way there's not much point in dilly dallying around on this one.
Changing man: Phase eight.
Righto, fair rule, I always thought this was an unspoken rule of car rides anyway, but let's nag Cosmo on their editing ability shall we?
Let's read this point again.... "Whoever drives gets control of the radio".
Now, let's see the full picture....
The man, whilst looking like he should be the fourth member of Hanson, is clearly driving the car, thus the radio is under his command, there's no arguing this.
But! They've gone back on themselves again, let's read this same bloody point again.
"Whoever drives gets control of the radio.......MOST OF THE TIME".
What the hell is the point in your new shitty rules if you're not going to enforce them Cosmo? Whoever drives gets control of the radio full stop, not some weird shitty rota of driving. Why not just find a station you're both okay with? Stop being dumb.
Changing man: Phase nine.
Ahhhh here we go, the good old passive aggressive ways we saw in part one are coming back to us!
This is how a relatively mature conversation with a vague wishy-washy man will go.
Man: Okay anyway, I've got work, I'll call you later, okay?
Woman: Okay.... When's later?
Man: Pffffft, probably about ten.
Woman: Alright, bye.
But apparently Cosmo goes like such
Man: Okay anyway, I've got work, I'll call you later okay?
Woman: Okay........Later.......... Later.
FIVE MINUTES LATER
Woman: Hello, 'Woman2'? It's Woman. Yeah wanna go out?
Woman2: Uhhh sure, when's good for you?
Woman: Oh whenever, I just need to be out to piss my boyfriend off.
Woman2: OHhhhhHhHHHhhh is he being wishy-washy?
Woman: Wishy Washy, indeed
Woman2: Ahhh Wishy washy away let's head out.
I know, I know it's probably frustrating to not know the details to when somebody will call you, but why not consider that when he says I'll call you later tonight. It's not him showing a lack of interest in the priority of meeting you, but perhaps he doesn't actually know when he'll be free to meet, angrily arranging a night out because of a lack of information is just stupid, and you're not even proving anything!
If he really doesn't want to meet you, then you're just basically allowing him the night off, and if this is the sort of shit to annoy you so much that you need to force yourself out, then it's not too hard to see why he is in fact vague about things.
Stop being sad, if it bothers you say so, ask him to be more specific, if you pussyfoot around situations like this it's only going to get worse.
That or you'll just look a moron who can't bring something up around the person you supposedly love.
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This is how a relatively mature conversation with a vague wishy-washy man will go.
Man: Okay anyway, I've got work, I'll call you later, okay?
Woman: Okay.... When's later?
Man: Pffffft, probably about ten.
Woman: Alright, bye.
But apparently Cosmo goes like such
Man: Okay anyway, I've got work, I'll call you later okay?
Woman: Okay........Later.......... Later.
FIVE MINUTES LATER
Woman: Hello, 'Woman2'? It's Woman. Yeah wanna go out?
Woman2: Uhhh sure, when's good for you?
Woman: Oh whenever, I just need to be out to piss my boyfriend off.
Woman2: OHhhhhHhHHHhhh is he being wishy-washy?
Woman: Wishy Washy, indeed
Woman2: Ahhh Wishy washy away let's head out.
I know, I know it's probably frustrating to not know the details to when somebody will call you, but why not consider that when he says I'll call you later tonight. It's not him showing a lack of interest in the priority of meeting you, but perhaps he doesn't actually know when he'll be free to meet, angrily arranging a night out because of a lack of information is just stupid, and you're not even proving anything!
If he really doesn't want to meet you, then you're just basically allowing him the night off, and if this is the sort of shit to annoy you so much that you need to force yourself out, then it's not too hard to see why he is in fact vague about things.
Stop being sad, if it bothers you say so, ask him to be more specific, if you pussyfoot around situations like this it's only going to get worse.
That or you'll just look a moron who can't bring something up around the person you supposedly love.
What to do if this happens.
Changing Man: Final Phase.
Oh fucking hell.
Nothing like saving the best until last is there?
This entire list seemed like it was building up to this one moment, and it's actually bewildered me that much that it's taken me over a week just to get around to this actual point (I originally started typing this up on the 19th, it's now the 27th)
There's a certain bunch of words you rarely get away with using without sounding like a dick, in this case explicit is that word. It's more so difficult to sound less of a dick when you have to be explicit on what presents you want. The whole entry seems to scream 'materialistic cunt'.
Once again, Cosmo is riddled with contradiction, you have to be explicit, BUT don't say "Buy me this".
That is literally the first example of what explicit is, if you want something and you're explicit about it, the resulting sentence will actually be "Buy me this..... now". There's no point in trying to be passive about the matter and offhandedly bringing it up, if you want to hint about it just say "Oh I really like that dress" or whatever (Although to be fair, Cosmo made it apparent that men apparently can't take hints), doesn't even have to be offhanded, but by all means don't start resorting to Cosmo on how to get a decent gift from your man, the fact that he's actually buying you presents after phases 1-9 is enough of a gesture that he tolerates you.
I wouldn't be surprised if Cosmo had a "what to buy your man for Christmas" article and it being just filled with Ann Summers vouchers so he's able to treat you, I'm actually going have to look for this and see.
I for the life of me though, can't comprehend where the hell the writer got such a sense of self entitlement that she sees one of the defining features of a man is his gift giving ability. I can only plea to people to not take Cosmo seriously, ever. And men.... If you see a girl one day and you think "Wow, she's attractive! I might go try my luck" and you see her with a copy of Cosmo.
Run.
Like.
Fuck.
This entire list seemed like it was building up to this one moment, and it's actually bewildered me that much that it's taken me over a week just to get around to this actual point (I originally started typing this up on the 19th, it's now the 27th)
There's a certain bunch of words you rarely get away with using without sounding like a dick, in this case explicit is that word. It's more so difficult to sound less of a dick when you have to be explicit on what presents you want. The whole entry seems to scream 'materialistic cunt'.
Once again, Cosmo is riddled with contradiction, you have to be explicit, BUT don't say "Buy me this".
That is literally the first example of what explicit is, if you want something and you're explicit about it, the resulting sentence will actually be "Buy me this..... now". There's no point in trying to be passive about the matter and offhandedly bringing it up, if you want to hint about it just say "Oh I really like that dress" or whatever (Although to be fair, Cosmo made it apparent that men apparently can't take hints), doesn't even have to be offhanded, but by all means don't start resorting to Cosmo on how to get a decent gift from your man, the fact that he's actually buying you presents after phases 1-9 is enough of a gesture that he tolerates you.
I wouldn't be surprised if Cosmo had a "what to buy your man for Christmas" article and it being just filled with Ann Summers vouchers so he's able to treat you, I'm actually going have to look for this and see.
I for the life of me though, can't comprehend where the hell the writer got such a sense of self entitlement that she sees one of the defining features of a man is his gift giving ability. I can only plea to people to not take Cosmo seriously, ever. And men.... If you see a girl one day and you think "Wow, she's attractive! I might go try my luck" and you see her with a copy of Cosmo.
Run.
Like.
Fuck.
Much Love!
Danzo
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