Allow me, if you will to start this post with a confession of sorts.
Lately, I've been in a small state of mild panic over my next few posts. For you see, for some bizarre reason my blog has exploded in traffic lately, once upon a time I was more than happy with my sixty views per day, and absolutely thrilled if I ever broke the three digit mark per day.
Now, out of nowhere in the past four days I've had at least a thousand views daily. So out there, somewhere a lot more people are reading this.
At first, I did an imaginary fist pump, dramatically with something inspiring playing in the background, hoh shit this is my moment.
That moment was quickly watered down when I had a slight crisis in confidence. If more people are reading this blog, I need it to be more impressive.
I had nothing good to write about.
"Oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit"
That was at least three days ago, and since then I've been trying to think of a new groundbreaking, traffic flowing, rip roaring, audience gaining, beautiful blog post to amuse, cheer, and inspire the masses.
Then it hit me.
Who cares? I started writing this blog to give myself something to do when bored (hence why most entries are in the early hours of the morning), trying to make a few folk laugh is just a side effect of this blog writing lark. Hell, it's not like I'm getting paid to write these horrible shitty 'articles', because nobody in their right mind would give somebody real money to write such shit.
What's that? Somebody would pay money for shitty articles? No they wouldn't, this is a cut throat industry you can't make a living enforcing your horrible opinions to the world, the entire concept of that seems a bit silly, especially when it comes to these horrible opinions being in the form of advice.
This newly invented rule of mine clearly hasn't been put into effect by the folks at Cosmo.
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Ohhhhhhhh Jesus.
Shit, what have we done?
Right, first off I'll get me confusion out of the way. The smug looking guy in the picture, is that meant to be the crappy hairdo? Or the new and improved one? Because Cosmo have already stepped on a pretty relevant proverbial landmine when it comes to self improvement articles (Or in this case, himprovement..... Fuck, I'm copyrighting that word, just so Cosmo can't steal it and use it literally). you can't say "Oh, just so you guys know, this is really bad, but we're going to give zero advice on an alternative.
"Chances are he'll appreciate the ambience".
You know what? Fuck you quoted statement, if girlfriend face came up to me one day, and said "Oh hey Danzo, look what I have here! A hairdresser voucher why don't you go and use it".
I wouldn't appreciate this in the slightest, in fact I'd probably just a quiet phase whilst thinking "Well..... What's wrong with my hair?" whilst possibly crying. I like my hair. It's spiky and cool, no woman will change that with her shitty passive aggressive gifts. In fact, I'd just return the favour and give her an equally passive aggressive gift.
Oh, now there's an idea, time to add some advice to any man in this situation.
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Lately, I've been in a small state of mild panic over my next few posts. For you see, for some bizarre reason my blog has exploded in traffic lately, once upon a time I was more than happy with my sixty views per day, and absolutely thrilled if I ever broke the three digit mark per day.
Now, out of nowhere in the past four days I've had at least a thousand views daily. So out there, somewhere a lot more people are reading this.
At first, I did an imaginary fist pump, dramatically with something inspiring playing in the background, hoh shit this is my moment.
That moment was quickly watered down when I had a slight crisis in confidence. If more people are reading this blog, I need it to be more impressive.
I had nothing good to write about.
"Oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit"
That was at least three days ago, and since then I've been trying to think of a new groundbreaking, traffic flowing, rip roaring, audience gaining, beautiful blog post to amuse, cheer, and inspire the masses.
Then it hit me.
Who cares? I started writing this blog to give myself something to do when bored (hence why most entries are in the early hours of the morning), trying to make a few folk laugh is just a side effect of this blog writing lark. Hell, it's not like I'm getting paid to write these horrible shitty 'articles', because nobody in their right mind would give somebody real money to write such shit.
What's that? Somebody would pay money for shitty articles? No they wouldn't, this is a cut throat industry you can't make a living enforcing your horrible opinions to the world, the entire concept of that seems a bit silly, especially when it comes to these horrible opinions being in the form of advice.
This newly invented rule of mine clearly hasn't been put into effect by the folks at Cosmo.
I've always been aware of Cosmo's existence, it's just never really bugged me too much, we have the sort of relationship you'd have with your homophobic racist neighbor. You know it's there, you know it's talking and encouraging some horrible, horrible actions but you figure there's no point in raising any form of discomfort.
But what if you were one day curious? Curious on what it is they're talking about? What it is their wonderful advice is. You see the headlines in the picture I just posted!
"TAKE THAT, MUFFIN TOP!"
"SIX CHOICES THAT'LL MAKE YOU HAPPIER" (Please, God let throwing away this magazine be one of them)
BIRTH CONTROL JUST GOT BETTER!)
Like watching a train crash, you one to take a quick peak, you want to see if it really is that bad or if this is just a crude misunderstanding. So you know what I did?
I took one for the team, I visited the Cosmo for the first ever time.
I was instantly hit with shitty sex advice, diet tips, why I should portray myself as a starved Oompa Loompa all sorts. But, I was deeply compelled to check out 'Relationship advice'. I'm in a relationship, maybe I could get some enlightenment here.
I then saw an article, the headline along annoyed me, like the metaphorical train crash I wanted to just take a peak, I clicked the article..... The very article we're about to run through now (I don't know why exactly I'm building this up, you know what's coming from the title).
How to Change a Man
I wish I could turn around and tell you right now this is a heartfelt and deeply thought out article on how to stop your man from drinking, gambling, taking drugs or beating you up (Or is that okay now with the rise to fame of 50 Shades? I don't even want to know).
I can't though. I can't even tell you that this is some sort of joke. This is in fact a real article written by a real woman on how to change the man you're currently involved with.
So, we'll be fair here. I don't want to come across as too critical, this may be insightful for that unlucky girl reading this, stuck with a partner that she dislikes (And hopes to change him, for some reason).
It's a ten point list, so let's try and make it through this hellish ordeal together, okay? (Fuck, so much for not being too critical).
Changing man: Phase one
Ohhhhhhhh Jesus.
Shit, what have we done?
Right, first off I'll get me confusion out of the way. The smug looking guy in the picture, is that meant to be the crappy hairdo? Or the new and improved one? Because Cosmo have already stepped on a pretty relevant proverbial landmine when it comes to self improvement articles (Or in this case, himprovement..... Fuck, I'm copyrighting that word, just so Cosmo can't steal it and use it literally). you can't say "Oh, just so you guys know, this is really bad, but we're going to give zero advice on an alternative.
"Chances are he'll appreciate the ambience".
You know what? Fuck you quoted statement, if girlfriend face came up to me one day, and said "Oh hey Danzo, look what I have here! A hairdresser voucher why don't you go and use it".
I wouldn't appreciate this in the slightest, in fact I'd probably just a quiet phase whilst thinking "Well..... What's wrong with my hair?" whilst possibly crying. I like my hair. It's spiky and cool, no woman will change that with her shitty passive aggressive gifts. In fact, I'd just return the favour and give her an equally passive aggressive gift.
Oh, now there's an idea, time to add some advice to any man in this situation.
What to do if this happens:
We have two very valid options in this case. Use one or the other.....
01: Accept the voucher, in return send her the same voucher, insisting that she needs it more.
Changing man: Phase two
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| You cheeky little so and so you! |
Ahhh, now ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls what's the sign of love? True love, not Cosmo love.
Is it being able to detect your significant others blatant hatred of your hair?
Is it the ability to seduce your man in 50 ways in less than a minute?
Or is it the way that you're so comfortable around each other that a burp or fart is simply second nature to you guys now? Not even an issue.
EWWWWWWWWWWWWW, PASSING GAS? EWWWWW, NO!
If that was your response I'm going have to take Cosmo's advice and be upfront on this matter.
Love is going to be very, very difficult to find. Ever read the book everybody poops? Neither have I, but the title more or less sums it up in one.
Well, in addition to everybody pooping, everybody also burps, and farts, there's no need to live in a state of denial about this, and there's certainly no need to withdraw sex because of it. Get off your pedestal, hell, I would've thought that being in the same 'ring' as his buddies would be a good thing, it would certainly make for more harmonious living.
What to do if this happens
There is only one way to combat this.
Changing man: Phase three
Christ look at the guy in the picture, you can easily tell that he's distraught that by being with the writer of this article hes easily made the worst mistake of his entire life. On top of that, you can't even identify if his clothes are that bad, a white tee and a grey jacket doesn't really scream style icon.
I love how the author has considered a cocktail party she's hosting on a par with a nice fancy restaurant as if a bunch of women drinking mixed alcoholic beverages is the height of all class.
Thing is with this, the woman has clearly seen you in what the man considers his best clothes (seeing as he's apparently obsessed with it). If she's that angry at the attire, and fickle enough to take him shopping just for him to have new clothes then clearly the ripped tee shirt would have been an issue from day one. Unless Cosmo are avid drama setters, either way I wouldn't even advise humouring this idea, stick with your beloved ripped tee.
What to do if this happens
Changing man: Phase four
You can tell quite easily that even the author realised she was being overly bitchy in this one, and just started trying to dig her way out of a hole. It's as if she's trying to back out of a conversation "If there's something you want to do instead, like.... Errrr if it's not just, a errrrr matter of you being annoyed".
I don't see the need for compromise here, the woman doesn't have to watch the game, and she doesn't need to drag old Asian dream boy there to a shitty concert in the park, has nobody told the author that being in a relationship doesn't mean they're tied at the hip?
If she lives under the mentality that there's just "one important" game, then she can't be at all surprised when he uses the same reasoning for the matters she wants to venture to.
"Oh, well I can go to ONE concert, if it's really important, but seeing as it's in a park I assume it isn't".
Holy shit, has she ran out of ideas/motivation for this entry, that last line is atrocious "Hit up the concert in the park, or whatever".
Christ don't write the fucking article if it's just going to piss you off.
What to do if this happens.
Changing man: Phase five
This, is probably the most half assed shitty stereotyping I have ever witnessed in my life. Starting us off with 'Guys like to have purpose'.
First of all; it's safe to say that everybody man and woman like to have purpose, people who believe they lack it are often caught on top of a bridge questioning their existence, if you live life believing you literally serve no purpose there's probably no point in abiding by your girls shitty little work rota.
Secondly, judging by this same opening gambit, are they indicating that women don't like to have purpose? If they're trying to put some sort of emphasis on how men like having more purpose than women then they're doing a horrifying job at it. Whether she believes it or not, the author has just painted herself as the sort of woman who'd set feminism back fifty years or something, yet is still employed in such a position to tell women what little purpose they feel they should have.
Blimey, I took that a bit out of context, let's focus on the 'himprovement' part of this....
I'm all for a tidy house, make a mess, clean it up. That's the way it should be, I don't however understand why a formal division of labor must be installed into the relationship, especially one so, again half assed that the only advice offered is "He does the dishes, you do something else".
WHAT'S SOMETHING ELSE? The laundry? Because if that's the case it's only a matter of time until you see an article about making your man do is own dirty boxers. And why oh why are they doing more bizarre stereotyping by casually throwing in "Oh, by the way MAN, since you are indeed a MAN you should know that guys (MEN) are more happier when doing chores".
Who the fuck is coming up with these analogies? 100% of men do not like doing chores, thus you shouldn't suggest using it as a real reason to make him do the dishes, especially if you've been with the guy for a reasonable amount of time.
"Sweetie? Can you do the dishes please?"
"Oh, yeah sure hun just let me watch the rest of this game"
"But.... you're a guy, therefore you must enjoy chores, Cosmo says so"
"Oh, yeah sure hun just let me watch the rest of this game"
"But.... you're a guy, therefore you must enjoy chores, Cosmo says so"
"Wha?"
"Cosmo............. Says so".
What to do if this happens
There's still five more wonderful ways to change a man, and they actually get more idiotic somehow, not to mention shallow, petty and outright bitchy. But, I fear this blog has gone on for some time now, so it's probably a good idea to turn this into a two parter.
Stay tuned for part two!
Much Love!
Dan
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