In my hopelessly romantic teenage years I had many desires, dreams and ambitions.One of which looking back is a sad one.
I wanted to share the same bed with a girl I truly cared about. Not have sex with her though I'm sure that would have been an added bonus, but to just cuddle up with her, forget about the troubles of the world, put a pin in the existence of everything in the world and just share this moment, share each others heat, hold each other as if the entirety of our lives was building up for this very moment.
I'd like to time travel if at all possible to my old awkward teenage self and tell myself to not think so much about this for two reasons.
1: That moment will someday come.
2: When it does, you will fucking wish you had the bed to yourself.
This dream, it didn't live up to my expectation. In fact it came as a learning experience of sorts. It taught me well and truly that I am a man who enjoys his space in bed, I like to "starfish" in the middle, I like to cocoon myself in the duvet on a cold winters night. Hell, I even set up little comfy forts for myself in the corner to maximize my nighttime comfort.
All of this however is put into chaos when sharing a bed.
See below a picture I drew up.
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Now this is what I optimistically picture my night to go like, every night. Myself on my side, Girlfriend-face on her side, enough room for both of us to toss and turn as we please without really bothering the other. Sure my duvet cocoon and starfish sleep would suffer but at least comfort is still there.
Would it really be that simple though?
Would it fuck.
Instead every night my attempts at sleeping are thwarted by girlfriend-faces constant tossing and turning. However, tossing and turning would be an improvement, turning is a simple movement, a swift one. Turn a doorknob, you can do it in one action.
Now imagine trying to turn this doorknob when you have brittle bone disease and parkinsons and that's what you're effectively dealing with.
Girlfriend-face doesn't just simply turn over in her sleep, she flops, or as I call it "Karps".
Imagine a fish out of water, imagine it flopping around uncontrollably in a state of panic trying to desperately flop its body back into the lake you just fished it from.
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Suddenly whilst dosing off to sleep I find myself being used as some a pillow of sorts for her arms and legs. I'm a leg out of the covers man so the fact that my duvetless leg is now getting attacked by Girlfriend-faces leg just provides me with a sense of claustrophobia, not to mention my chest being kept prisoner to her arm, just at the pivotal point where I decide I myself wish to turn (not Karp) around.
Eventually, after feeling as if I'm going to die if I don't turn around soon, I turn around whilst still encased in the death grip hug. My way of thinking, again is always the same in these situations. "Oh, fuck it. I'll turn around, she'll wake up and Karp around to her own side".
Every night, once again I am wrong.
Instead I turn around and this happens.
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A glitch in my own way of thinking is constantly discovered and exploited.
As I turn around it emerges that I have in fact dragged Girlfriend-face over to my side as well, keeping her well in this unrequited cuddle and furthermore limiting my space in the bed. Her side is practically empty whilst I'm trying to slyly push her back to her side without waking her up. This never, ever works and has a 100% failure rate.
The next annoyance literally just happened.
When in bed, I'm not always wishing myself to sleep in a battle against comfort. In fact a lot of the time I'm on the laptop, take now for example.
This is okay, it's comfortable, chilled out and I get to write wonderful blog entries for your reading pleasure. Deep down, everyone's a winner, right?
Wrong.
In addition to Karping around, an expression I've now used four times in this entry. Girlfriend-face, when actually turning around uses her arms to navigate what direction her body turns.
This would be okay if not for the fact that her arms travel at the speed of fucking light when turning around.
Seriously, if you're laying in bed right now, turn over. See how simple it is.
For some reason, the arm movements are skittish and erratic to hell and back when turning over. Not even a full turn, just a simple half centimeter turn could warrant an imaginary boxing match against a hydra in her mind.
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Look at me.
So happy, typing away in my little bed office. Nothing could ruin this right now, so as a result I start getting complacent, maybe neglect to save my progress, no big.
Then suddenly.
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Out of nowhere an arm with swing round and hit the laptop full force. Sending it flying across the room, again... What else can I do in this situation but tut and exhale in an angry tone? Sometimes this subconscious laptop attack has been so frequent during the night that I genuinely just give up with whatever I was doing and go to sleep. Disgruntled, I get into bed.......
Girlfriend-face wakes up slightly, and so begins the next part of my agony/amusement.
I don't know what to call this... Sleep talking I guess, but the kind I can interact with. Problem is, when doing so Girlfriend-face seems aware of what's happening, but just has no clue in she's talking about... She then gets incredibly angry at me if I fail to apprehend exactly what she's referring to. I have been lucky enough to record some of these, here's one for your listening woes.
This sadly, isn't even the last one, usually this is a weekly thing... I'll be sure to record and upload more if the chance finds me.
Usually to shut her up I have to initiate operation spoon.
Other men can back me up on this. Whilst I'm sure women love nothing more than being spooned (cuddle, not sex). There is genuinely nothing more harrowing than having to dedicate yourself to such a cuddle for more than an hour.
For Girlfriend-face it's wonderful, she gets comfort, safety, warmth and the added bonus of getting the cuddle from me, making her the envy of the universe, I'm sure.
But for me....
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My face is constantly irritated from strands of hair getting all over it. I usually have an itch some place on my body which proves impossible to reach without destroying said spoon, on top of this it always happens on my side, I still lack my precious space. Plus, the age old problem/dilemma.
What the fucking fuckery fuck do you do with the non cuddle arm? There is literally no place to put it in spoon cuddles. You can either put it under your pillow and wait for it to invariably go numb, rest it on your partners face, or bend it in the most awkward position possible. Hell, it's hurting my elbow just picturing it.
And now, as I finish my impulsive whinge at my sleeping situation, I set myself up for bed, wondering what other uncomfortable moments I have in store.
Weird thing is, I doubt I'd change it for the biggest bed in the world.
I wanted to share the same bed with a girl I truly cared about. Not have sex with her though I'm sure that would have been an added bonus, but to just cuddle up with her, forget about the troubles of the world, put a pin in the existence of everything in the world and just share this moment, share each others heat, hold each other as if the entirety of our lives was building up for this very moment.
I'd like to time travel if at all possible to my old awkward teenage self and tell myself to not think so much about this for two reasons.
1: That moment will someday come.
2: When it does, you will fucking wish you had the bed to yourself.
This dream, it didn't live up to my expectation. In fact it came as a learning experience of sorts. It taught me well and truly that I am a man who enjoys his space in bed, I like to "starfish" in the middle, I like to cocoon myself in the duvet on a cold winters night. Hell, I even set up little comfy forts for myself in the corner to maximize my nighttime comfort.
All of this however is put into chaos when sharing a bed.
See below a picture I drew up.
Would it really be that simple though?
Would it fuck.
Instead every night my attempts at sleeping are thwarted by girlfriend-faces constant tossing and turning. However, tossing and turning would be an improvement, turning is a simple movement, a swift one. Turn a doorknob, you can do it in one action.
Now imagine trying to turn this doorknob when you have brittle bone disease and parkinsons and that's what you're effectively dealing with.
Girlfriend-face doesn't just simply turn over in her sleep, she flops, or as I call it "Karps".
 |
| "HI GUYS!" |
Imagine a fish out of water, imagine it flopping around uncontrollably in a state of panic trying to desperately flop its body back into the lake you just fished it from.
Now take that motion and convert it into a woman in your bed trying to adjust herself into a comfortable position. Now imagine getting caught in the cross flop of this numerous times.
WELCOME TO MY FUCKING LIFE.
Night after night I passive aggressively sigh at this, I don't know why it's the only thing I feel I can do, I can't actually get angry at her seeing as she's unaware of it.
But the ordeal doesn't end there. For girlfriend-face is also a militant cuddle fan, making my own designated side of the bed, look like this.
Suddenly whilst dosing off to sleep I find myself being used as some a pillow of sorts for her arms and legs. I'm a leg out of the covers man so the fact that my duvetless leg is now getting attacked by Girlfriend-faces leg just provides me with a sense of claustrophobia, not to mention my chest being kept prisoner to her arm, just at the pivotal point where I decide I myself wish to turn (not Karp) around.
Eventually, after feeling as if I'm going to die if I don't turn around soon, I turn around whilst still encased in the death grip hug. My way of thinking, again is always the same in these situations. "Oh, fuck it. I'll turn around, she'll wake up and Karp around to her own side".
Every night, once again I am wrong.
Instead I turn around and this happens.
As I turn around it emerges that I have in fact dragged Girlfriend-face over to my side as well, keeping her well in this unrequited cuddle and furthermore limiting my space in the bed. Her side is practically empty whilst I'm trying to slyly push her back to her side without waking her up. This never, ever works and has a 100% failure rate.
The next annoyance literally just happened.
When in bed, I'm not always wishing myself to sleep in a battle against comfort. In fact a lot of the time I'm on the laptop, take now for example.
This is okay, it's comfortable, chilled out and I get to write wonderful blog entries for your reading pleasure. Deep down, everyone's a winner, right?
Wrong.
In addition to Karping around, an expression I've now used four times in this entry. Girlfriend-face, when actually turning around uses her arms to navigate what direction her body turns.
This would be okay if not for the fact that her arms travel at the speed of fucking light when turning around.
Seriously, if you're laying in bed right now, turn over. See how simple it is.
For some reason, the arm movements are skittish and erratic to hell and back when turning over. Not even a full turn, just a simple half centimeter turn could warrant an imaginary boxing match against a hydra in her mind.
Look at me.
So happy, typing away in my little bed office. Nothing could ruin this right now, so as a result I start getting complacent, maybe neglect to save my progress, no big.
Then suddenly.
Out of nowhere an arm with swing round and hit the laptop full force. Sending it flying across the room, again... What else can I do in this situation but tut and exhale in an angry tone? Sometimes this subconscious laptop attack has been so frequent during the night that I genuinely just give up with whatever I was doing and go to sleep. Disgruntled, I get into bed.......
Girlfriend-face wakes up slightly, and so begins the next part of my agony/amusement.
I don't know what to call this... Sleep talking I guess, but the kind I can interact with. Problem is, when doing so Girlfriend-face seems aware of what's happening, but just has no clue in she's talking about... She then gets incredibly angry at me if I fail to apprehend exactly what she's referring to. I have been lucky enough to record some of these, here's one for your listening woes.
This sadly, isn't even the last one, usually this is a weekly thing... I'll be sure to record and upload more if the chance finds me.
Usually to shut her up I have to initiate operation spoon.
Other men can back me up on this. Whilst I'm sure women love nothing more than being spooned (cuddle, not sex). There is genuinely nothing more harrowing than having to dedicate yourself to such a cuddle for more than an hour.
For Girlfriend-face it's wonderful, she gets comfort, safety, warmth and the added bonus of getting the cuddle from me, making her the envy of the universe, I'm sure.
But for me....
What the fucking fuckery fuck do you do with the non cuddle arm? There is literally no place to put it in spoon cuddles. You can either put it under your pillow and wait for it to invariably go numb, rest it on your partners face, or bend it in the most awkward position possible. Hell, it's hurting my elbow just picturing it.
And now, as I finish my impulsive whinge at my sleeping situation, I set myself up for bed, wondering what other uncomfortable moments I have in store.
Weird thing is, I doubt I'd change it for the biggest bed in the world.
Much Love