Many moons ago I wrote an article in which I read, disliked and then slandered an article written by womens magazine Cosmo.
I poked fun at the article which listed passive aggressive points on How to change your man. After this two part blog post I backed the fuck out of the site and never went back.
But, like walking away from a murder, you're in a better place and the atrocity is still being committed, sometimes morbid curiosity will get the better of you and you'll feel compelled to return to the murder.
In this metaphor, I am returning to Cosmo. Witnessing the potential manslaughter of many unsuspecting horny males. This will serve as a public service announcement. And some sound life advice.
If you find yourself in the company of another woman, one thing leads to another and you're about to have. If she turns to you and says "Oh, I want to try out this thing I read in Cosmo".
So There we go. Your sexual and musical life has been further improved.
Thank me later.
I feel this Cosmo bashing will have to go on for some time, so feel free to hit me up on Twitter if you want me to check out more shitty articles.
@DanzoIsTheBest
Facebook page
Much Love!
x
I poked fun at the article which listed passive aggressive points on How to change your man. After this two part blog post I backed the fuck out of the site and never went back.
But, like walking away from a murder, you're in a better place and the atrocity is still being committed, sometimes morbid curiosity will get the better of you and you'll feel compelled to return to the murder.
In this metaphor, I am returning to Cosmo. Witnessing the potential manslaughter of many unsuspecting horny males. This will serve as a public service announcement. And some sound life advice.
If you find yourself in the company of another woman, one thing leads to another and you're about to have. If she turns to you and says "Oh, I want to try out this thing I read in Cosmo".
BACK THE FUCKING FUCK OUT OF THERE.
The reason being... I have gone back to Cosmo, I have read an article which will make me cautious in my sexual endeavors for the rest of my life. The worst part is, the editors, readers and "sex experts" have teamed up in this circumstance to bring the ultimate medley of sex tips for your ultimate pleasure.
That's right, in this post you'll be reading how to
BLOW HIS MIND: SEX TIPS
“I melt when a girl screams a foreign phrase in bed. I was with
one woman who used to yell Mucho gusto! I loved it. Turns out, it
means ‘nice to meet you.’
I really like it when I start researching a subject and the first quote I see strikes me in such a hilariously comical way. It really sets me up for an enjoyable time.
Our Spanish loving friend here is also apparently in for an enjoyable time, apparently.
Forgive me, lovers of foreign languages, but an English couple screaming any other language in bed is just riddled with cringe. Has anybody honestly ever done this?
Has anybody ever in the midst of intercourse had the thought process of "Oh, I know what will spice this up. LINGUISTICS OF THE WORLD" screamed "MUCHO GUSTO, GRACIAS, or ARRRRRRIBA!" mid sex and thought it'd continue the sexual encounter in a positive way? I swear to god nobody on this green earth would be able to keep a straight face.
In the interest of people who have read this and thought to themselves "Hey, fuck off Dan this is an A Star idea" I've prepared a peace offering. I have taken the liberty of some exotic languages and phrases you could shout in bed.
Spanish.
Es jodido duele!
Vamos a ir a la panadería
Mi papá era mejor que esto
Italian
Sto dormendo, vaffanculo.
Non riesco a pensare di divertenti frasi sessuali italiani
Chinese
我不知道我要去哪里与此。
I'm bored of that now.
Moving on.
“In the middle of giving me oral, this woman I was dating grabbed
my penis and playfully ran it over her neck, breasts, thighs, and
butt before returning to tongue action.” —Artie, 32
After this article you'll learn two vital things.
1: What not to do in bed.
2: DON'T TRUST MEN NAMED ARTIE.
Artie here, 32. Was a simple man. A man who had not experienced sex too often.
So when Artie found woman to woo, he was excited, he was elated, he was on top of the world. This woman was a loose cannon in bed.. A good thing, yes?
Wrong.
Loose cannons in a historical sense, weren't used. Why would you use a cannon that can't fire properly? If we were in fact putting all our eggs in loose cannons we would have lost to the Spanish armada and shouting out Spanish phrases wouldn't be erotic thrills, it'd be standard screaming in bed.
I. Would. Be. Uncomfortable.
If a woman started using my penis as body soap. She was probably pulling what in her opinion was a sexy face, glaring at old Artie whilst his penis goes to bizarre places.
Why the hell would anyone think that a penis would remain erect whilst being rubbed on someones neck?
Maybe I'm a prude, maybe I'm missing out on neck sex?
I don't ever want to fucking find out though.
“My woman made an audio recording of the sounds she made
while pleasuring herself and then downloaded the track onto my
MP3 player.” —Darren, 27
DON'T BE FUCKING IDIOTIC!!!
This is a stupid idea. That's all that really needs to be said........ But we're going to say more on the matter because it is in fact. That. Fucking. Stupid.
Do you know what I like doing?
Listening to my iPod. I listen to it before bed, I listen to it whilst walking to work, I listen to it at the gym.
I put it in a docking station whilst cleaning the house, I sing out loud to it. I also put it on the docking station when I'm having house parties.
Nowwwww.......... Put yourself in Darren, 27's shoes here. You have a woman. She thought "Gee, what's the best way to turn this dude on?" and then made a recording of her pleasuring herself and synced it to his mp3.
There is literally countless possibilities on how this could fuck him over.
"Oh hey Darren, put your iPod on get this partayyyy started!"
"Yeah okay, shall I just put it on shuffle!"
"Yeah shuffle that shit!" (Darren has some awful, awful friends)
Three, four, maybe five songs later. there's just silence......... With a low frequency buzzing. Darrens heart sinks, he looks to the docking station and sees the title of the "song"
";)"
SHIT!
The entire party then hears Darrens woman pleasuring herself. The rest of night he is ridiculed, laughed at, and as a result is the butt of every masturbation joke in existence.
That's one of many scenarios. I'll let you use your imagination for the rest.
“When my girlfriend found a tear in her sheet, she pulled my penis
through the hole, and we had sex with the material separating us.
The fact that the only parts of our bodies that touched were our
naughty bits made it feel forbidden.” —Samuel, 27
Forbidden.
Forbidden.
There's a reason this felt a bit forbidden, that's essentially because you just fucked a bed sheet with a vagina.
If I were to do such a thing the following thoughts would enter my mind.
"Hmmm, it's like I'm having sex with a ghost"
"Hmmm, it's like I'm having sex with a member of the Ku Klux Klan"
| Image may be NSFW. Clik here to view.  |
| So wrong........ But so right. |
After this thought process, I'd be more than happy to end this session of bizarre sex. I'd naively go onto the next hijink.
“This girl wrapped her lips around one of my nipples and began
breathing. As she inhaled, the suction pulled my nipple and blasted
it with heat. As she exhaled, the cool air pushed it down.”
—Derek, 24
Oh dear. Nipples have now come into the bedroom play.
I'm not a great advertisement on nipple play, they're just strange little lumps on peoples chest to me. I have no preference. I am constantly bewildered on why it's the thing so blurred out in magazines when the rest of the boob is on clear display. That's my only opinion on nipples. That and I like how it rhymes with ripple.
So, my confusion would be at its highest level when somebody....... When somebody starts to suck it, and simply breathe on it. As if I were breast feeding a wheezy infant. The guy suggesting this didn't even indicate it was a good thing.. He just explained in blunt detail what happened. Nowhere does it say "I really enjoyed this as it felt like my nipple was leaving a sauna and entering a pool..... Which happens to be a fetish of mine". I get the strong feeling that this poor sap didn't enjoy his nipple tastic time.
“Dab lube onto your palm, cup it over the head of his penis, and
twist gently but quickly, like it’s a tiny doorknob.” —Becky, 26
On recollection, I have just realised that this is the first "tip" we've seen from a woman. And look at that.
She wants you to break a mans fucking dick off.
Let me tell you this,and let me confidently speak on behalf of all reasonable men worldwide.
Do not. Under any circumstance twist a penis.
Just assume Becky here didn't pay attention in Biology, and has probably never seen an erect penis. Do you know why this is?
Every chance at a penis being moderately stiff around her has been fucking twisted into being flacid again.
Lube or no lube, a penis doesn't twist that way. The only thing you're going to accomplish is intense pain. ESPECIALLY IF YOU DO IT FUCKING QUICKLY.
"Gently but quickly" is a double standard. The two don't go.
Try to do something right now. Anything, have a quick drink, tie your shoe, pick your poison.
Do it gently.
Now do it again, quickly.
Now do it quickly and gently.
Quickly is a substitute for gentle. The moment you introduce haste to the game, delicacy goes right out the window. And I'm 100% sure that when handling a penis, delicacy is a pretty high priority.
“Act pleasantly surprised when you touch his penis by saying mmm
or oooh.” —Joelle, 25
The hell sort of fucking advice is this????
First off. "Mmmm" is not a vocal sound of surprise. It's the sound you make when you're either eating something really good, or you're agreeing but not listening to somebody. Doing this in sex will probably just be offensive to everyone involved.
Secondly. Unless you want to be laughed at, don't do this. I made the pleasantly surprised "Oooh!" sound today. Not because I was surprised by a penis in my bed (Though that would be a surprise) but because I was pleasantly surprised that I had milk, thus I could indeed have my Froot loops for breakfast.
I made this pleasantly surprised sound because I didn't want to go to the shop this morning to get some milk, which I believed I had none of. Once I discovered the milk, I was surprised and this pleased me. Thus pleasantly surprised. Simple stuff.
Now, acting pleasantly surprised at a penis is not the same. For numerous reasons, really. Let's start off with another exercise though.
Act pleasantly surprised now. Do it. Just exclaim "Ooooh!" out loud and try to do it as delightfully shocked as possible.
I bet once you did this you felt silly, didn't you. It didn't quite live up to your "I'm so surprised" experience.
Now do the same. But halfway through pretend you're grasping a throbbing penis in your hand.
It doesn't work. Never will. Especially because I expect some people would get carried away.
"OOOOOH! A PENIS! HOW DID THIS GET HERE! HOW BETTER EAT THIS SURPRISE PACKAGE!".
Moron.
“Sprinkle a little pepper under his nose right before he climaxes.
Sneezing can feel similar to an orgasm and amplify the feel-good
effects.” —Cindy, 32
WAS THIS CONTRIBUTED BY A FUCKING SCHOOL KID????
"HUR HUR HUR! A SNEEZE IS ONE/EIGHTH OF AN ORGASM"
IF HE'S HAVING AN ORGASM HE DOESN'T NEED TO FUCKING SNEEZE YOU IDIOT CINDY!
This will 100000000000% destroy whatever chance of climaxing he has whilst being in your company. Have you ever got pepper up your nose before? It fucking hurts. It's torture on your nostrils, and it certainly is the last thing you need during sex.
You have to question the advice you take when during sex, you find yourself leaving the bedroom, going into the kitchen, opening the cupboard and grabbing the same tube of pepper you put on your steak earlier that evening. Again, delicacy will be a problem. Chances are you'd have to be on top to do this, he'd be climaxing. It's going to be difficult to be delicate in this situation so you're most likely going to just pepper bomb the guys face.
Leave the pepper in the kitchen.
Forever.
“When he’s close to the finish line, prolong the pleasure by having
him pull out his penis and rub it across your stomach until neither
of you can stand it.” —Maya, 31
.............................................
I can't even get my fucking head around this..........
I can't do this. No silly little examples of how Maya is a moron, no tasks, no funny "Imagine this". The tip alone paints a weird image of horror and awkward sex. We're just going to move on and forget this whole thing happened.
“Very softly bite the skin of his scrotum.” —Karen, 26
DO NOT DO THIS.
There's a time and a place for everything. Biting a mans scrotum however. There is no right place (Why would there be) And there is certainly no time.
This is probably borderline psychotic, and obviously stupidly dangerous. You can say "very softly" all you want, you can even say gently nibble but the moment those stupid teeth come into contact with the skin, the man is going to get uncomfortable. Probably panic and the only realistic thing that can come out of this is an embarrassing trip to A&E.
Plus a nasty break up.
Cosmo at this point thought to themselves. "Alright, we've let our fucking idiotic demographic have their say, now let's get PAID PROFESSIONAL SEX EXPERTS on the case. Surely they couldn't be as stupid as these suggestions.
Keep in mind, people get paid for coming up with this shit.
Blow hot air from your mouth through his underwear.
Hoh boy that didn't turn out well did it, apparently Cosmo pick their sex experts out of a lucky hat of stupid people.
Maybe I'm just sexually inexperienced, maybe I don't appreciate the taboos of Cosmo, but I can't for the life of me understand this one.
It starts off with the most obvious tip ever. "Blow hot air from your mouth". Where else are you going to blow hot air from? Unless you plan on farting through his underwear then there's no where else you're going to be blowing hot air from.
For an expert, this person is pretty bland with her tip. She gives no indication whatsoever on what area to blow through the underwear. Penis? Bum? Hell take a lucky chance, he'll certainly enjoy it BECAUSE A SEXPERT SAID SO.
Ask what songs he listened to in junior high, and play them during
a hookup. It will take him back to that time when he was in an
almost permanent state of horniness, triggering his primal urges
At this point I had discovered that this was an American Cosmo. So I had to do my research and find out what age you'd be during Junior High.
Sixteen.
Which to me translates to.
"FUCK HIM TO THE MUSIC OF A SIXTEEN YEAR OLD"
Now, this is just bullshit on a whole level to me. I still listen to some songs I listened to as a sixteen year old. I listen to it and go "Ahhh, I still like this song" NOT "AHHHH THIS SONG MAKES ME SO FUCKING HORNY!".
PLUS!
I had (still have) a fucking horrible taste in music at sixteen. It would not make good sex music.
Do you really honestly want to know what I considered one of my favorite songs at that age.
Here's a list, imagine having sex to it.
Green Day: Wake me up, when September ends.
Bare Naked Ladies: One Week. (Why not?)
My Chemical Romance: Famous Last Words.
And this.
The song that I'll leave you with.
Britains Eurovision entry.
Jesus fucking hell, what was wrong with me?
So There we go. Your sexual and musical life has been further improved.
Thank me later.
I feel this Cosmo bashing will have to go on for some time, so feel free to hit me up on Twitter if you want me to check out more shitty articles.
@DanzoIsTheBest
Facebook page
Much Love!
x